


I Loved You Once

by Alley_Skywalker



Category: A Hero of Our Time -- Lermontov
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love Letters, Romance, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-23
Updated: 2010-06-23
Packaged: 2017-10-10 06:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/96373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alley_Skywalker/pseuds/Alley_Skywalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grushnitski's farewell letter to Mary as he realizes that he has lost her to Pechorin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Loved You Once

**Author's Note:**

> Poemfic, like a songfic but to a poem, set to "I Loved You Once..." by A. S. Pushkin

My dearest Princess Mary,

_I loved you once: of love, perhaps, an ember  
Within my soul is not extinguished yet;_

The moment I laid eyes on you, beheld the grace of your movements, was touched by the soft caress of your velvet-brown eyes, I knew that there was no salvation for me. There was no place in the world where I could hide from the lingering vision of you, from the desire to be near you, to love you. So instantly I fell that there was no way for me to catch myself. You had created, in one evanescent moment when our eyes first met, a whole new world in which only you and I existed and you made up every substance that a man needs to survive.

I would have willingly been your lover, your friend, your faithful servant, even, if you so wished. I suppose I still would. For your eyes still hold me captive, and your presents still inspires a trembling in my very soul. I still seek every opportunity to see you, as foolish and boyish as such a pursuit might seem.

_But let that be no prompting to remember,  
Or be a cause of sadness or regret._

But please, I beg of you, do not mourn any foolish thing that I may do, now that I have given myself up to the emptiness of a world that consists of everything but you. I do not wish to tire or sadden you. If you think of me, please do so with a light heart. No, loving you has been no ball, no winning game for me. Yet, you know they say that it is better to have loved without return rather than have never loved at all. I am happy to have known you and I thank God for those few meeting, for those few hours, that I have been allowed with you. So please, I beg of you, do not feel obliged to fee regretful of your rejection of me. Your smallest sadness is my greatest tragedy.

_I loved you once, quite hopeless, dumbly tender,_

I should have known, I suppose, the utter foolishness of my pursuits. It is true then, you are too good for me, too noble, too kind, too beautiful. I wonder, at leisure, if you are but an angel come down from heaven to shine her pure light upon men.

I tried to give you all that you deserved. I thought – correctly or not that is not for me to judge I fear – that you would fancy nothing short of the perfect gentlemen. And I was ready to be so for you. My heart swelled when ever I saw you, thought of you, and I longed to reach out and touch you. I wanted you to feel all my love in that one single, tender touch.

_By jealousy and diffidence oppressed;_

The moment I sensed his interference in our dance of courtship I lost rhythm. When he invaded our world I was forced to lay down the poet's quill and take up the soldier's sward. But I am not made for fighting, though I am no coward. But I was afraid to stun you with brashness, was afraid that you would find me impudent or, daresay, disrespectful. I was bitter because I was jealous, but because I didn't know how to fight him, for I noticed him too late to prevent his intrusion as I had once thought him my friend, I stumbled. I was thrown between the need for action and at the same time fear of startling you. And so, with firm footing and metaphorical canons blazing, he swept you away as I fumbled for the right words to say to keep your fancy.

_I loved you once with such complete surrender  
As may God grant you may again be blessed._

Does he love you the way I did and still do? I suppose that is not for me to judge. I will pray that it is so. Because if he loves you half as much as I did, he shall make you happy, I am sure. I wish the best for you, as my love cannot allow me to wish you a singe tear despite my own.

If you remember me, please know that I am still at your mercy and will be at your side with your softest summons. You are the shining star that gives me hope.

Faithfully Yours,  
A. Grushnitski


End file.
